i'm still here.
it's been forever. i missed you all.
for those who don't know, i recently got out of the psych ward. i was there for about a month. luckily i was able to go right in instead of staying in the psych er (which is hell on earth) for a day or two. the reason my psychiatrist sent me there was because i cut my face and burned my arms. christmas and new years sucked so hard that i was just down on myself. i thought i was doing better with the SI. i guess i'm not. this trip to the hospital wasn't that bad. my favorite nurse was my primary nurse (that means that everytime she works she is assigned to me). some of my old psych ward friends were there. the only things that sucked were the punishments. i guess they don't get a lot of people who SI because they don't know how to handle me. i was forbidden from eating in the cafeteria so they could watch me and i had to turn in my plastic silverware when i was done with it. i also had to give up my book and my ipod if i even felt like injuring let alone actually doing it. of course i did pick at my scabs a few times but nothing serious. oh, i also needed a chaperone when i showered, too. there were people there way crazier than me who had far more freedom. not fair.
they also started me on ect treatments again (shock treatments for those not familiar). i don't mind ect, the nurses there are sweet, it doesn't make my head hurt so bad anymore, it lightens my mood somewhat, it's just pretty much okay. even the doctors that put me under are nice and respectful. they don't put the oxygen mask over my face because they know it freaks me out and they talk gently to me as i slip into unconciousness. even one of the nurses, matilda, always holds my hand as i go under. maybe things are getting better.
things with rob, however, are not getting better. he is always angry at me for something. he has been physically violent with me and when he hasn't he has been screaming at me. not that i expected anything different. he is under a lot of stress with his mother and with our financial situation that he just takes it out on me. before my trip to the hospital i told him i was well enough for him to get a job again. but now i ruined all that. being crazy enough to require hospitalization pretty much proves that i'm not well. and he reminds me of that all the time.
now that i'm home i've been wishing i was in the hospital again. i never thought i'd ever say that. but it's true.
so, it was valentines day today and nothing romantic happened. no dinner out, no flowers, no jewelry, not even any "i love you"s. one good thing happened today: my step mom and dad had flowers delivered to me. they were gorgeous, purple, in a beautiful vase with a teddy bear hugging it. so one thing made me happy.
i hope you all had a good valentines day. i have more to write so i'll definitely be back. i also have to catch up on my friends page so be patient with me. i'm glad to be back. i love you all.

i truly have no future.

call that overdramaticism. call it whatever you want.

i am going to be stuck in this tiny, shitty apartment for a very very long time. when we moved in 10 years ago, it was only temporary. we said we'd be there for 2 years tops. then we would move on to a condo or at least something bigger so that we could start a family. that was before i went crazy and rob and i both had jobs. now i am on disability (which barely covers our rent) and rob is unemployed because "he doesn't trust me to be home by myself". bullshit, but whatever.
i wanted to have kids. but my body and environment are against it. when i started one of my crazy meds it made me gain weight very quickly. 75 lbs in almost 2 months. so fast that it was a shock to my body. because of this i haven't had my period in over a year. because it has been so long, even if my period ever does come back, there is a good chance that i wouldn't be able to have kids. that's just speculation from my psychiatrist but i tend to believe her - she is at least more qualified to make the statement then i am. all of that shit aside, we have no place to put a baby even if we had one. we have a 2 bedroom apartment, but rob has taken over the spare room making it his camera and computer room. even the drafting table that i used to draw on in that room has been overloaded with his crap. not to mention that we can barely afford to feed and clothe ourselves, how can we do it for another human? (i would go without food and clothes for a baby but that doesn't really help the situation). and adoption is out of the question - what respectable adoption agency would give a baby to an unemployed man and his mentally ill wife?
my husband hates me. he is mean and rotten to me in every way possible whenever possible. he tells me how crazy i am, how stupid i am, how lazy i am.....think of something mean - he's said it to me. he says i ruin his whole life with my agoraphobia (even though i bite the bullet and just go places despite my terror just for him many times) and that i am dragging him down. i have been thinking....for quite some time now....that i made a mistake not only in marrying him but in ever being with him in the first place. we never had a normal relationship. he was always more of a father figure than a boyfriend/husband. i don't think he ever truly loved me, he just wanted someone to control. and when we met i was young enough to mold.
he is in control of whether i stay in or out of the hospital. last night i almost went. he uses it as a threat. i have no say over anything that happens to me.
but i can't leave. i have no car. i have no money or bank account of my own. i have no place to go. so i am stuck here.
there's more to this story but i don't feel like writing anymore. it's making me more depressed. sorry to be such a downer.

thank god i have therapy today.......

i know i haven't been here in a long time. posting regularly is one of my new years resolutions, i swear. but i just have to say......

i was sad.

i was not in the christmas spirit.

i was beginning to hate this whole holiday.

then i got a package in the mail. just for me. and it was filled with love and amazing things. just like the grinch, my heart grew 3 sizes. sometimes the sweetest and most wonderful gestures come unexpectedly. from people who you never met but who have touched your heart in ways you could never describe.

so, thank you. for giving me hope as well as a wonderful gift.


i love you, jessie <3

god, it's so good to be back. i have missed you guys like crazy. i also missed having an outlet for all the shit that has been going on lately. where do i even begin?
well, the good part is that i went to nevada to meet my dad and step-mom for the first time. actually, the second time - he came to connecticut to see me when i was six. it was amazing! my dad and marcia (my step-mom) are truly great people and treated me like a princess which is something i am totally not used to. the weather was gorgeous, their house was huge....everything was perfect. i spent my birthday there and as a gift to rob (yeah, i know) i agreed to take a trip in their RV to yosemite. i didnt really want to go but rob had been going on non-stop about how badly he wanted to take pictures there. that's all he thought of this trip as - a photo opportunity instead of a reunion between me and my family. that pissed me off. but i did it anyway and we saw a lot of the sights, had lunch there, saw a cute deer. when we got to the lookout right before a place called glacier point, marcia's knees hurt and my stomach hurt so we decided to leave. this made rob have a conniption. a child-like tantrum. he didnt speak to me for 2 days. he was so upset that he didnt see glacier point that he said i ruined the whole trip for him. i didnt mention to him that he ruined my BIRTHDAY!!! not that he would care. we came home from nevada almost 3 weeks ago and he still brings up yosemite every single fucking day. EVERY day. he said he'll never get over it. so i am going back to nevada in march. by myself. my dad and marcia were the ones to suggest it because they could tell immediately that rob is a domineering baby. so i have that to look forward to. omg i cant wait.
so needless to say, rob is getting worse. he has always been a very negative and aggressive person but now he is out of control. last week he did something that i thought he would never do. it is so embarrassing. he hit me in the face with a hardcover book. the arm came off of my glasses and my nose piercing stabbed inside my nostril and was bleeding really really bad. my glasses are fixed now and my nose is not swollen anymore but i am still freaked out. now i know that he can lose control at any second and that scares the crap out of me. so i have been trying like hell to tiptoe around him and keep him calm. but that never works because he always finds something to be mad at.
i have told my therapist. i also told marcia and my step-sister, shelly. marcia wants me to move in with them. i seriously considered it.
rob also doesnt think i should be going to therapy anymore. he said im better and its too expensive. i know he's lying and he is threatened. he hates that i talk to my therapist about him when he cant defend himself. i told him i'm still going to go and he got so mad that he slammed down a kitchen chair and got right in my face and said he should hit me. but he didnt. i thought i was through with the physical violence thing when i moved out of my mothers house. *sigh*
i emailed my therapist and she wants me to call her tomorrow as soon as i can. she is so worried about me. i guess im worried about me, too. hopefully we can work something out to make things a bit more stable. i think rob needs to get his sorry ass a job.

but what do i know......

omg, hard question. there's more than one of course.

hallelujah - leonard cohen
hurt - christina aguilera
some say i got devil - melanie
beautiful child - fleetwood mac
talk to me - stevie nicks
simple kind of life - no doubt
i wish i was the moon - neko case
silent all these years - tori amos
don't confess - tegan and sara
damaged - plumb
oh father - madonna


i'm sure there's more but that's all i can think of right now. music can be so autobiographical.
 

i have so much to say but i'm not sure where to start.

i just got finished being yelled - no, screamed - at by rob. just because i told him i would clean out the litter box yesterday and i didn't. so i intended to do it today. he told me that i never do anything and that he'll never be able to go back to work because he will come home to find me sitting on my fat ass and no chores will be done. he said he is sick and tired of me. he seems to forget that yesterday i vacuumed and washed some of HIS dishes (i wash dishes as i use them - he lets them pile up). he tears my heart out of my chest and stomps on it. i know i shouldn't take it personally because he is angry at his mother and is taking it out on me. but that doesn't mean it hurts any less.

i'm also having a rough time in therapy. don't get me wrong, my therapist is wonderful. amazing, even. it's just things going on in my life and my brain that are sabotaging me. i have been emailing her back and forth since our session on thursday and she has been awesome with helping me. i wish i saw her every day. she is suggesting that i add group therapy to my regular therapy. that way i can talk to and share experiences with people who have been through similar trauma as i have. now, i have been to a group once a few years ago and i HATED it. granted, it wasn't specifically for abuse survivors (see? i'm learning - i said "survivor" and not "victim") so there was a mish mash of people there. and i hated the group leaders. so i guess i shouldn't base all groups on that one experience. my therapist said she would find a group for me, she would ask around to colleagues and make sure that the group would be good for me. make sure there are people like me in the group and that whomever leads the group is a skilled therapist so i can get as much out of this as possible. i trust her more than anyone else but i am still so nervous.

then there is my mother. she told me that she was taking me on errands with her today (yes she told and didn't ask) and that if i didn't go i'd better have a good excuse. so i have been nervous all week, worrying about today. my mother can be a very mean lady and i knew i could spend the whole day being told how worthless and crazy i am. so i was prepared, i was ready to just get it over with. but she calls me this morning and said that she didn't feel like going out, maybe she would pick me up tomorrow. WHAT??? so now i have to feel nauseaus for another day because she just doesn't feel like going out? but yet if I didn't want to go out i needed a good excuse? UGH. and i don't WANT to go out tomorrow! but i don't get a choice. my therapist and i are still working on my assertiveness with my mother. i still have a long way to go.

so that is my life right now. there's more but i am all typed out. i feel so alone........

how are all of you?

i guess it's okay. it gets less okay when you find out that my mother named me after a character on general hospital. she also chose it because it is an italian name and she wanted to counter my fathers irish suggestions (shannon and siobhan) because she hates him.
if i could change it, i would change it to stephanie because that is stevie nicks real name and i would force people to call me stevie.

in my experience, it is a little of both.

i have social anxiety and depression - that is genetic. i get it from my paternal grandmother who was mentally ill, hospitalized many times (as was i) and ended up commiting suicide when she was 50 yrs old. she also had an extremely high IQ (over 150) which i get from her also (my IQ is 163). i hope i get NOTHING from my mother.

i have PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder) - that is from environmental factors. my mother was physically abusive my entire life. i was raped and molested by my neighbor/baby-sitter from the ages of 4 - 9. i was kidnapped and raped on my way home from work at 16 yrs old. this resulted in a pregnancy that i terminated. all of those events shaped me into the mess that i am today.

i'm not saying i never experience happiness, i do. but my genetics and life experiences make those fewer and further between than the average person.

/end depressing story